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...what a week...

It was exactly a week ago now that I had the surgery. Not many of you know that I've been babysitting my two nieces and nephew this whole time as well. The timing of me not being at full capacity could not have been worse. But we've all survived it. Perhaps not as gracefully as either situation (the ectopic pregnancy or babysitting 3 kids) could have hoped for otherwise- but we're nearing the light at the end of the tunnel. My mom gets home from India on Tuesday and so Taylor, Kobe and Gracie will be going home soon. I'm out of pain now. My incisions are almost completely healed. I believe my hormones are leveling out as well- I haven't cried all day for a couple of days now. I'm still feeling... I don't know... I guess I'm still feeling "Why Me?" about the whole thing. Which, I admit, is a stupid sentiment. Why not me? I just feel like I have had so much to overcome to even get the courage up to try for another baby and then this happens. So now, I'm officially "high risk" for having another ectopic pregnancy. Is Heavenly Father testing my metal? *sigh* It is His metal to test... I'm just tired of being afraid of pain, of dying... Perhaps that's the lesson. Having the courage to risk everything. I know I have gained an empathy I did not have before for women whose pregnancies end early. I always had a very scientific view of it all- if it ended early there was a reason- it happens fairly frequently- heck, you're not far along, how attached can you be... but I've discovered I was attached; more than I expected I'd be. I was dang excited to be having another baby... I am so sad it's over already. And I'm scared... But these are all feelings and thoughts that I'm really good at discounting and filing away in the back of my mind- chalking it up to hormones... The doctors have told us we have to wait at least three cycles before trying to get pregnant again. I think it'll be good to take the time off- to take the idea of babies right out of the conversation for me. It's almost spring. I'm excited for a new season. I'm taking the outlook that I have at least three months off of life. I'm on pause- buffering if you will. It's time I can breathe and regather myself. Put my house in order. It's good. The hard part's over- this week is officially over. I'm excited to see what spring has in store for me... TO BE CONTINUED... and isn't that the best part.